why do i dread hanging out with friends

What if you let them see you in more of your element, surrounded by people you actually really like instead of just tolerate? I forgo some things like sponsored posts, collapsible video pop-up ads (which my ad network is always pushing), and various other things that would increase revenue but, I think, turn off readers. When you outgrow a friendship, you might find that you and your friend only talk about nostalgic memories from your youth or many years ago when you were in a similar stage of life. She tried so many times to stop him from being happy and free away from his toxic environment. That is EXACTLY IT! I love your line about how Im like a cherubic angel on a cloud. But just because YOU arent interested in the topics theyre discussing, doesnt mean the topics of parenthood challenges and child-rearing arent interesting to the people who are, in fact, parents. And that isnt fair for either of you. She said, Its sad, but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships., You may leave behind friendships along the way, but youll always keep the memories., She also highlighted that just because you outgrow a friendship doesnt mean you dont value the time you spent together. You want a friend to support your dreams and life goals.. You need to get to the bottom about why they are making you feel bitter (resented feelings about marriage and kids?) You shouldn't feel forced to move where they move or do the same thing with your life that they're doing. If it's the former, then you need new friends. I have family members who would say things like this and it really helped to see it as them showing how much they like you and want to spend time with you. As a teacher, I have had the joy of sharing an office one year with 5 other women who were mothers to young children. Sometimes though, anxiety can drain those resources from the relationship just as quickly as you invest them. I eat out at amazing restaurants, see shows, travel. I have money. At 40-ish something thosex is a totally different thing. They are compatible for the long term. Alcohol actually has effects on multiple neurological pathways. Reminiscing on the good old days becomes your only shared interest. LISTEN LW, YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIENDS BOND IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THAT ROOM. I got the sense from the LW that her boyfriend expects her to spend time with his friends, but isnt willing to spend time with hers, or with her family for that matter. This sounds to me like a very opressive and controlling environment. RedroverRedrover A BIG part of his life. Vanessa Van Edwards created the #VanEdwards method for detoxing your relationships: Last but not least, a sure sign of a dwindling relationship is when one person is putting in more effort than the othernotice who does most of the reaching out or making plans. You're hanging out with your buddies at lunch, feeling all chill and extrovertedone of them (or maybe you) suggests meeting up tomorrow . Years of accumulated memories, emotions, and mutual support still bind you together. My advice: either stop sharing these personal feelings on a public platform, or block the offending parties from reading your status updates. Here are some ways to strengthen your relationship and protect it from the impact of anxiety: Top up the emotional resources. For people with social anxiety disorder, everyday social interaction even with established friends can provoke anxiety. 4. The signs that its time to break up may be subtle, like struggling to schedule get-togethers, she said. I feel like the best solution has been time to find my place in the group, occasional activities without children (small groups of 2-3 couples) and ducking out when I know Im tired/cranky and not feeling social. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. My recommendation would be setting a limit of how much od your time you are ready to hang out with his friends ans family. Why is it not okay to talk about celebrities and ruthlessly post your passions and desires on Facebook? Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Is there Delhi quota in Lady Hardinge Medical College? How would that change things? Then, if anyone asks, you can say, Ive got other commitments, or, Sorry, Id love to attend, but Im booked that day. You dont have to be any more specific than that, even if your commitment is to your couch and DVR. 1. A girlfriend and WIFE in 2017 (when this YOUNGER MILLENNIAL GENERATION WILL RISE) MEANS LIFE! However, old versions of yourself are more likely to surface when youre around people from a past phase of your life. Some people choose to stay stagnant or continue in old patterns. . If you cant do these things, then break up with the guy. As for the family, again, you get the family too. Im going to try to be as polite as possible so that should you reply to me my comment isnt just dismissed as everyone elses dissenting ones have been by you. As people grow in age or personal development, they naturally change their interests, viewpoints, and the overall course of their lives. I just got into a fight because my boyfriend just makes excuses for the dysfunctional people in his life, he said it was alcohol then he said it was the age, excuses excuses then he demanded that if I dont like it I should say something but he yelled that out in public which humiliated me. "It may indicate that a friend is a little too self-absorbed to be in a healthy relationship, or that they view your relationship as a contest rather than a mutually beneficial relationship," he. I am an extrovert. Sudden, loud or repetitive noises via GIPHY "A loud noise out of nowhere, like a police car whirring by my home, or annoying repetitive noises, like a ticking clock, can really rattle me. Nostalgia triggers the reward centers of your brain and links to psychological resilience. Make an effort first, as people have said above. Right? Maybe both of you attend two events per month per side together? They DID ask my husband if I hated them (yeah, theyre dramatic) and at first he wanted me to go back to attending every Sunday, but I finally made him realize that it just wasnt the same for me to hang out with his family as it was for him (NOT a relaxing atmosphere for me), and I only had so many days off and sometimes I wanted to just be alone (I never discouraged him from going, which I see you do with your boyfriend). Maybe they still expect you to party and carry on like you used to, even though you've got a toddler. Just adds to the urge to eventually skip going in the first place. Stay true to you and what you love even if that means leaving him. How To Let Someone Know Youre Not Interested In Starting A Friendship With Them. Yeah, I wouldnt really want to hang out with her. Poor LW. In a good friendship, theres a give and take. Wendy, what HORRIBLE advice. Raising kids is not an embarrassment. What if there is more than what she is telling you? . Times change and people do as well, so moving on may just happen naturally, even if it's difficult to accept. tiktokscr.parentNode.insertBefore(jsTikTok, tiktokscr); Oh yeah, I noticed that and it confused the shit out of me. Not a lot, but enough. Im going to make a YouTube video about how much I despise this blog and the way Wendy handled the treatment of this question. SUPPORT EACH OTHER. My boyfriend does not stick up for us and instead just ignores their remarks and complaints. But at the same time, you cant go on draining your energy just for old times sake. And, yeah, most of the conversation turns around their kids and more domestic stuff and their husbands, etc. Please stop putting yourself in gross situations and avoid getting offended. If Wendy cannot give this poster advice, I will! But, at least youll be IN LOVE, right? And he likes you. Sunshine Brite And Im sure your boyfriend loves his guy friends but probably cant put up with his stupid guy friends wives anyways if he tried for 2 minutes. Shortcuts: My Girlfriend Role Plays a Little TOO Well, She Told Me Shes Pregnant The Day before I Planned to Break Up With Her, My Sister Threw Our Parents A Surprise Party and Didnt Invite Me, DW Community Catch-up Thread (Formerly Anyone going on awesome dates?). This stood out to me from your letter: He claims he doesnt know what to do because I hate his friends and family and he still wants to see them ALL THE TIME. I think your relationship is on shakier ground than you want to admit. I am constantly telling him, our bond has to be heightened so we can ward off his friends and family that try to break us. There are 6 core stages that people go through to change their behavior and habits. So in that respect I feel for the LW assuming she isnt letting it be known that she thinks her position is better and not just different. Yes, this! Dont always invite the same people. This is honestly the ultimate sign that you're outgrowing your friends. Especially is said partner wants a relationship with his friends and family. Have fun with that, suckers! Reader's Dilemma: "I'm Awkward Around My Boyfriend's Friends" - Glamour The 3rd seminar I only hated it a little so it was no big deal. If. Thats what Wendys advice was about and I completely agree with her. He acknowledges the problems I have with his friends and family and even agrees with my complaints (especially where his family is concerned) and yet, if I suggest we skip a dinner or gathering, he gets upset. Divide the holidays how you want, make the guidelines or plans (our rule is only Christmas or Thanksgiving with his family and the other one we stay home, my parents get a Jewish holiday or other event of their choice), and then stick to them. That was definitely an uppity, over-educated white lady commenting like that, for sure. Maybe your friends need to get their act together and make some plans or you need to chunk out some personal time for yourself. You act like something is wrong with the wives of your boyfriends friends that they discuss their kids so much. IN WHAT WORLD IS IT OKAY TO SIDE WITH ONE SOCIAL CONSTRUCT AND NOT THE OTHER? (Tip: get a babysitter for the kids to keep them out of the way at your place.) Deception: Major Reason Behind An Unhealthy or Unsuccessful Relationship. We may not have our futures set in stone but I know that its going to take a whole lot more than that to tear us apart. or do you see your husband changing his group of friends? Pull the plug if you have to. Everyones writing about the judgement, disdain, & superiority this woman is displaying because of what she has experienced & thus described. I started thinking they did not like me. And the answer isnt a white lie when asked about your absence it is sorry I cant make it I have plans plans with your friends, your family, your couch, a bottle of shampoo whatever plans. Doesnt it seem like the conflcit here is really between the girl and her man/boy and that his constant insistence that they do his thing with his people is driving her to dig in her heels against them? The replies are really shocking to me. Its not like My relationship is amazing and great except for this one thing. A fundamental difference in lifestyle preferences is not just this one thing. Its kind of everything. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. He could have these nights with friends without her presence and his social experience would be changed not at all. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. Raised or furrowed eyebrows, for instance, silently convey that you're listening, while a head nod encourages the speaker to keep going (and on the flip side, eyes glazing over means it's probably time to change the subject). He isnt going to want to stay with someone who so blatantly disrespects the people whove been with him through everything vs the last couple years. Maybe I should revise that sentence: have you ever been trying to talk to someone who won't let you get a word in? He has a limited comfort zone and she loathes that zone. If you really cant stand these people, then you should leave. I know you try and bring up conversations but what they are already doing is conversing. These are both the people he was raised with and the group he chooses to hang with. And I no longer worry about a guys ego. This Is Why People Constantly Flake on Their Plans - VICE Maybe you can reach some sort of compromise, but for there to be any chance of that happening, your attitude is going to have to change. nope. I feel like we would be BFFs. If LW cant get with the group as it is, she needs to MOA. Would I pick them if I had a choice? Post-Vacation Depression: Tips to Cope | Psych Central P.S. I understand the posters issues and I think it sounds v difficult for her, and I dont think she is being mean. Parents talking about their kids with other parents are an embarrassment? Maybe you realize your relationship with someone isnt as strong as it was. Part of HuffPost Relationships. Only you can decide if youve truly outgrown your friendship, but there are some telltale signs that a relationship may no longer be benefiting you. I get the sense that you are experiencing the same thing. Maybe if they are not in your face 24/7 you can look beyond your differences to see them as nice people and realize that feigning interest in what Jimmy dressed up as for Halloween wont kill you but will make your boyfriend happy. A few years ago I was on the el and overheard a conversation from a girl who was telling this guy how after 25, theres nothing more to look forward to. Insomnia - You have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep and commonly dream about work. Then hes like I turn 30 soon or something. bahahahaha! I hope this helps. MOA. Learning how to set boundaries while being nice is one of the most important things you can learn. Busy social settings, like a party or networking event Talula has glommed onto one thing. I still have my issues with them but weve found a happy medium of doing things with them together and me just opting out. Does anyone dread hanging out with people? : introvert - Reddit I actually laughed out loud when she said she was an indigo child. It helps to remember that everyone is on their journey toward self-discovery, so a shift in your commonalities is not a sign that you did anything wrong. You think the wives are going to side-eye you? She doesnt even like him. Does hanging out with your friend make you feel drained, or like you can't be yourself? Sounds like you need to break up with your boyfriend. No idea how old this is, but OP, I relate and dont think youre overreacting nor have a bad attitude. The crowning irony here is that the very definition of "dread" is something that you feel (and I quote) "extreme reluctance to meet or face" (Merriam-Webster). Arrow pointing horizontal says where they are staying (signifying stagnancy and comfort zone), with a side panel: Stagnancy, Comfort zone, Old habits, Old Patterns.. Haha. Kids are just little adults and I dont really like people in general. And the new guy should come from a healthy and happy family. Furthermore, its ironic that you call your boyfriends family judgmental when you literally seem to extend nothing but judgment toward them (or, at least, thats what youve expressed in your letter). Poster should look to the inside and start following inner voice and enforcing personal boundaries i.e. Also, my husband and I secretly can laugh about a lot of this later, and then high-five while yelling CHILDLESS BY CHOICE! as we sleep until noon on the weekends. By clicking Accept All, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. You don't feel attached to your conversations. Social anxiety stems from having an excessive fear of being judged by people, whether the worry is that you wont be liked or that youll do something humiliating. The slight fear or sense of dreadthats anxiety, Alan Henry wrote for Life Hacker. jsTikTok.src = (document.location.protocol == "https:" ? I 100% get how, as someone who does not have children, it can be like nails on a chalkboard listening to people sit and talk about kids nonstop. I think the options are either avoiding them and therefore ruining the relationships with them (which I think is a bad call if you plan to be with him long-term) or just dealing with it. Just last Friday I went to lunch with a couple of guy work friends who I havent seen since I had my kid. Every holiday has ended in a blow-out. I bet you all are over 40 year old bored-a** women telling this poster what to do. You may or may not realize that most websites dont make much money anymore, especially with the advent of instagram and similar platforms (that compete for traffic as well as advertisers budgets). Do I just talk/write too much? This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. If a person is more of an introvert, they may find it hard to interact with people they have fewer things in common with, and if regular interaction is sought, it can become overwhelming and embittering. My boyfriends ex-sister-in-law still hangs around his family, she lied about me to his mother and her dysfunctional kids hate me. I guess all the kids, moms, dads, aunts, & uncles are more important than her actual relationship, right? And if I didnt go, it was the same barrage of wondering where I am. In your 30s etc family is all about holidays and holidays are created by society and the illuminati. Breathe slow and deep. I just want to point out that contrary to the general consensus here, family and friends dont define a person. The first was that if they said We missed you or it wont be the same without you, it really means that they are showing they care. And dammit, I dont want to have to make increasingly younger friends every few years. Your boyfriend likes these people. Feel it start to bleed out if you. And, dread is a sign of anxiety and stress. Very, very sorry. And, much like your experiences, every single frickin time we were in the office at the same time, all they would talk about was their kids, daycare, pregnancy, childbirth, etc. Going to try to really think about the feedback and comments (but not too hard yall are ripping her a new one). It could be worse, such as in my case where all of my boyfriends family just want to tear us apart. Im not really sure what type of solution youre looking for. Just ignore it and do your own thing, see people as often as youre comfortable and dont if you dont. At all. Talula did get me to re-read the original posting. I feel like I have to hide or fake a smile and deal with it. Just go. You should be able to hang out with both and learn to ignore them if either one complains about you hanging out with the other group. Below, therapists from around the country share seven signs you and your bestie may need some time apart. And guess what? Or, more accurately: before you wreck your relationship. Share Followers 1 Start new topic 90s kid Established Member Established Members 149 posts Posted March 31, 2014 Whenever I have plans to hang out with certain friends, I have this feeling of anxiety and dread that makes me want to cancel. Maybe by freeing yourself from the constant onslaught of events, youll find that the one you do attend is not so bad. window.addEventListener('scroll', function() { So let me tell you that your situation is not half as bad as mine. It is, in layman's terms, a pickle. Its hard to fully realize this is happening until it begins to be a pattern. Answer (1 of 2): Because you don't have fond memories with them or you have unexpressed emotion for someone or perhaps scared to lose someonein any case it feels you need fresh brand new friends. Stop being friends with them on facebook. I for one think there is a valid concern and attacking poster is unwarrented. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. They will thank you for being authentic instead of hiding and pretending, even if its not what they want to hear. Once a week is already a lot. Your personal growth does not make you better than them. Here's our lovely reader's question: I've been dating my boyfriend for six months,. You do still have to tolerate these people occasionally for your boyfriends sake, but you definitely do not need to go to every baby shower and tupperware party and dinner invite. They may tell you that youve changed or even make you feel guilty for abandoning your old similarities. And, if they find out and are butt-hurt about it, well, then they can be butt-hurt about it. Eeeek. See if some of your friends can bring out the personality of your boyfriends friends. Well, BGM, it stinks to be old and alone. When it comes to your personal growth, you probably know a few bad habits youd like to kick and better ones you want to replace them with. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. And then, I would ask further questions about these interests. Im pretty sure your judgemental attitude is an embarrassment to all that weve fought for. You may want to re-friend this person in the future, so the goal is to be cordial.. They have no sense of personal space, respect, polite/common discourse, &/or know nothing about personal boundaries. And unfortunately, some friends might become toxic over time, and thats when you need to move on for your own sake. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. THEY ARE BOTH YOUR VIEWS, RIGHT? (Dont ask about the mucus plug. Make it less about his friends/family and more about YOU and why youd like some time away from these gatherings. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. I definitely agree with your last paragraph. Look, Im about as liberal as they come and yet I manage to get along great with conservative family members. . You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. If all your friend ever does is complain when youre together, let them know, said Marissa Nelson, a marriage and family therapist in Washington, D.C. You also may feel that when things are going well for you and you are in a happy and blessed situation, it seems like theyre not genuinely excited for your success, she said. And quit bitching about his friends wives to your BF. Where do you feel it? It is especially a problem, because these are the people he feels most comfortable and compatible with. Above his friends and family! You find it awkward or weird between the two of you. lie sometimes and watch netflix if you want to, but if you cannot be away from your BF and want to godo those things. I guess Im lucky in that my husband seems to enjoy spending time with my friends and their husbands, and I can do the same for him. I love my children more than anything in the world, they range from a 6 month old baby to 19 years and there my best friends, however I cant stand being around other peoples kids. If the women are aware that you really have no interest in kids, I dont think theyre going to try to force you back with them. November 10, 2014, 9:43 am. 3. That couldnt be further from Can anyone relate to him or me/does anyone have any advice? Tell your boyfriend that you will give his friends a certain allocated amount of time. All you commenters are literally idiots who need to be put in your places (Except one commenter speaking about reading people from the heart). It sucks to be involved with someone who seems like a good fit outside of the package of their social circle. "I Hate Spending Time With My Boyfriend's Friends and Family" "The slight fear or sense of dreadthat's anxiety," Alan Henry wrote for Life . You focus on the present and future, which are stuck in the past. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". Please take Wendys advice, LW. And I would expand that to if you are going to be in a long term relationship with a guy, you are also in a relationship with his family. I dealt with this when my husband and I were first married. Yes, it is perfectly ok to not want to go out with friends. The kindest thing may be to cut ties or wean yourself off hanging out with this person. When you let go of things that no longer serve you, you let yourself drop the weight of things holding you back. She shouldnt waste another minute of her life with his crowd of losers. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. I dont agree with Wendys advice either. Wheres the effort to find anything good about them or to understand a viewpoint that differs from your own? The guilt trips are funny.
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